Fuck Chirstmas!

i get this fucking way every year. never fails. normally i can just hide away in a cocoon of NIN, Tori and beer... but this year comes with obligations. obligations that drive me up the fucking wall.

kids are like marriage. it seems like a good idea and all, but it's not what the picture in the catalog looked like. and it doesn't help when you have a wife with baby issues. good and bad. but she's fucking smothering him (my observation) and now she's paying the price because he won't leave her alone. i wish she could get a job so 1. she could be away for a little bit and see what the rest of the world is up to. and 2. so he can learn that mommy won't always be around.

i have made it clear from the beginning that i am not a baby person. i abhor babies. yet, this one being my own has made it a bit easier. so i have tried. but watching him feels like a job to me. like a second job that i'm not getting paid for. and a job that i am totally not qualified for and have no prior training.

in hindsight i think i pushed the name Draven into his already predetermined name (before he was even conceived) so i would have some part of me, other than DNA, that i could connect with. good thing he wasn't an ugly baby.

and it's his first christmas and it's his first tooth and it's his first hard-on... like i really give a shit. like he really gives a shit. he's never gonna remember anyway. i think all these 'first' things are for parents and grandparents to exploit a growing child. do you really need pictures taken at the studio every month? does he need an electronic snail that sings the ABC's at 8 months old? he can't even make words yet. and the wife is trying to make lesson plans for the little bastard! lesson plans! what the fuck is next, homework?

but it's snowing outside. so i should be happy and gleeful and chipper and shit. nope. there is something in my brain that after Nov 1st, i begin to hate the world. it's like a fucking switch. "life's ok, it's good, every thing's kind, the world is nice.... bah! who flipped the fucking switch? fucking assholes. life sucks, thing's are horrible, everyone can blow me, the world can eat my dick!"

memories and nostalgia take place of rational thought. times that could have been, should have been, might have been. happy times in happy places. not to say i'm in a bad place by any means. just times of innocence and ignorance. of chances taken and not taken. and the dotted line on the mall map of my life that says 'you are here'. and my gaze is fixed, not to the path ahead, but to the locked doors behind me. why? i have no crowbar or chisel in my life arsenal. so why do i sit and stew and hate and despise this time of year?

i just wish there was a way to shut-off my brain. some way to stop thinking and just do the shit that 'normal' people do..

at least i can look forward to january 2nd and all this shit will slowly start to drift away.

Christianity is the Antichrist?

i went to a seminar on the end of the world when i was a youth pastor. it was awesome shit until they started blaming the papal church. and i, trying to branch out and learn all the different branches of christianity called 'bullshit' and never went back... take into account this was a seventh day adventist church. but i left there felling beguiled.
needless to say i have been troubled with my issue with organized religion. i have seen things and understand things now that have put me on the path that i could never go back to that kid i was in high school. the innocence is broken. my religious hymen is gone. but i tarried on in those early years of doubt. only to be struck in the face time and time again by these zealots who wanted to teach that long hair was bad and that jesus didn't turn water into wine, it was grape juice.
i had never seen a blonde-haired blue-eyed jesus until i went to a catholic church. and at the time i just thought it was funny that these people would actually believe jesus was of german descent.
ok, i'm rambling.
so on with my point: i have always loved things in the history channel about the end of the world. and everytime they talk about the antichrist it's always about someone you already knew was evil... hitler, stalin, bush, bin laden.. but who's writing this? the antichrist is supposed to be a person (and/or group) to unite the world. someone or something that brings unknowing people together without them knowing they are fighting for the wrong side. one thing to bind them together as a whole to make an army to fight against the truth..