Wednesday, January 27, 2010

I found this..... found it amusing

I used to take stupid forwards and add my own comments... so here is one i found today.. enjoy.. the white is my text.

Why is it so hard to tell the truth... (because that shit is no fun.. and it gets you in trouble) yet so easy to tell a lie, why do we sleep in the church.. (hey! i don't sleep.. i color!) but when the sermon is over we suddenly wake up?(because that's like the fucking dinner bell.. it means that it's lunch time!) why is it so hard to talk about God. (he doesn't talk about me to his friends.. and he really pisses me off a lot of times.. fucking tornados and earthquakes.. where are the pretty swirls of flying pink bunnies or the earth erupting a sea of orchids??) but so easy to talk about sex? (would you rather hear about multiple orgasms or how you are going to burn in hell for making yourself have them?) why are we so bored to look at a Christian magazine... (umm.. maybe the lack of the article called "what would jesus do.. in bed") but so easy to read a playboy magazine? (people read playboy?) why is it so easy to delete a Godly offline messages. (whatever you trying to say here just lost me.. shit, you sound like my preacher.. when i drop the red marker behind the pew and have to listen to him as i look for it) yet we forward the nasty ones? (oh you were talking about this crap.. well i am going to forward it...) why are churches getting smaller.. (atkins??) but yet the bars and clubs are growing??...(because you only get one shot of communion wine.. no matter how much you tip the preacher.. and they really frown that!) think about it... (actually i think the dumbass that wrote this needs to think about it..) are you going to forward this or delete it? (i think i'm gonna print it, dip it in vodka and stick in my lover's naughty regions!) Just remember God is watching you (shit! i forgot about that.. wait. if god is really watching me that much, maybe it's because i have a good stock of porn... like they have porn in heaven!) if u love Jesus (the guy that cuts my grass on thursdays?) then send this to everyone (and how is that possible? my grandma is one of the alusive 'everyone' and she runs when she sees a computer.)

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

fuck babies

any man that says he loves babies, doesn't fucking have one........

Friday, December 18, 2009

Fuck Chirstmas!

i get this fucking way every year. never fails. normally i can just hide away in a cocoon of NIN, Tori and beer... but this year comes with obligations. obligations that drive me up the fucking wall.

kids are like marriage. it seems like a good idea and all, but it's not what the picture in the catalog looked like. and it doesn't help when you have a wife with baby issues. good and bad. but she's fucking smothering him (my observation) and now she's paying the price because he won't leave her alone. i wish she could get a job so 1. she could be away for a little bit and see what the rest of the world is up to. and 2. so he can learn that mommy won't always be around.

i have made it clear from the beginning that i am not a baby person. i abhor babies. yet, this one being my own has made it a bit easier. so i have tried. but watching him feels like a job to me. like a second job that i'm not getting paid for. and a job that i am totally not qualified for and have no prior training.

in hindsight i think i pushed the name Draven into his already predetermined name (before he was even conceived) so i would have some part of me, other than DNA, that i could connect with. good thing he wasn't an ugly baby.

and it's his first christmas and it's his first tooth and it's his first hard-on... like i really give a shit. like he really gives a shit. he's never gonna remember anyway. i think all these 'first' things are for parents and grandparents to exploit a growing child. do you really need pictures taken at the studio every month? does he need an electronic snail that sings the ABC's at 8 months old? he can't even make words yet. and the wife is trying to make lesson plans for the little bastard! lesson plans! what the fuck is next, homework?

but it's snowing outside. so i should be happy and gleeful and chipper and shit. nope. there is something in my brain that after Nov 1st, i begin to hate the world. it's like a fucking switch. "life's ok, it's good, every thing's kind, the world is nice.... bah! who flipped the fucking switch? fucking assholes. life sucks, thing's are horrible, everyone can blow me, the world can eat my dick!"

memories and nostalgia take place of rational thought. times that could have been, should have been, might have been. happy times in happy places. not to say i'm in a bad place by any means. just times of innocence and ignorance. of chances taken and not taken. and the dotted line on the mall map of my life that says 'you are here'. and my gaze is fixed, not to the path ahead, but to the locked doors behind me. why? i have no crowbar or chisel in my life arsenal. so why do i sit and stew and hate and despise this time of year?

i just wish there was a way to shut-off my brain. some way to stop thinking and just do the shit that 'normal' people do..

at least i can look forward to january 2nd and all this shit will slowly start to drift away.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Christianity is the Antichrist?

i went to a seminar on the end of the world when i was a youth pastor. it was awesome shit until they started blaming the papal church. and i, trying to branch out and learn all the different branches of christianity called 'bullshit' and never went back... take into account this was a seventh day adventist church. but i left there felling beguiled.
needless to say i have been troubled with my issue with organized religion. i have seen things and understand things now that have put me on the path that i could never go back to that kid i was in high school. the innocence is broken. my religious hymen is gone. but i tarried on in those early years of doubt. only to be struck in the face time and time again by these zealots who wanted to teach that long hair was bad and that jesus didn't turn water into wine, it was grape juice.
i had never seen a blonde-haired blue-eyed jesus until i went to a catholic church. and at the time i just thought it was funny that these people would actually believe jesus was of german descent.
ok, i'm rambling.
so on with my point: i have always loved things in the history channel about the end of the world. and everytime they talk about the antichrist it's always about someone you already knew was evil... hitler, stalin, bush, bin laden.. but who's writing this? the antichrist is supposed to be a person (and/or group) to unite the world. someone or something that brings unknowing people together without them knowing they are fighting for the wrong side. one thing to bind them together as a whole to make an army to fight against the truth..

Sunday, November 8, 2009

What If: Bible Edition (part 1)

what if the bible had been written by men who were married. hell, the bible is supposed to be the written word of god, so why is that all this shit written about marriage sent down on high from a bachelor? maybe it was omitted in his later edits. the original draft was, "and he made woman and it was good. she had ample bosoms and and child-bearing hips and a nice ass (yes, early women came with their own donkey) and it was good. then one day he asked her to frolic in the woods, and it was good. they nestled below a cherry tree and she did things with her mouth that he never intended it to be used for and it was really good.
then god thought to himself, 'i want to spend the rest of my days with this creation'. so he fashioned a ring from the earth and sky and gave it to her in a symbol of his affection and it was good. in the following year he made a house for her and it was good. now she had learned a new trick with her mouth, and that was speech, and it was good.. at first. then she began to speak incessantly and it was not good. she began to ask for things and then demand things. god thought to himself how to calm her, so he decided to give her a son and it was good. and for a short time god was at peace. and then the asking and demands began again. and god went into the woods and made beer and it was AWESOME!.."
ok.. so that's just one take on marriage in the bible.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

quite possibly the most wrong pictures ever...

for those of you wondering, this is not a toy for me and my wife. this was a prop used in last year's costume (see the "he did what" folder in my facebook pics albums.
when i got the costume bag down i saw this and a lightbulb went off. and so i acted on instinct and this is the result.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

"You can always just take off his pants."

in eight years i think that is possibly the creepiest thing to ever come out of my wife's mouth. thank benny lava it wasn't said along with something involving rob.
needless, it wasn't. it was me walking little seƱor vamonous around the house. mind you, i was not picking him up and walking with him, i was holding his hands and he was walking. and his midget pants kept falling down and making it hard to walk. so when i expressed this to the wife she said, "you can always just take his pants off."
this has been going on for weeks now. not the part about my wife wanting me to take the kid's pants off. but the little fucker is bound and determined to walk. fuck crawling. "i want to move like mommy and daddy." and he walks a lot like daddy when he's been drinking the Jooze! big melon-head swaying and fucking up his balance. he's happy when you help him walk. put him down to play with toys? fuck that. let's walk!
i get everything from jason saying "wrap yo' shit up because he's only making way for another" (yes he's black and he's talking about condoms.) to everyone from the doctor to the google-enthusiast wife saying "he's progressing so far! way beyond where he should be." so i am torn between the possibility that a wife's tale is going to outweigh a fact.
truth be told, at this juncture, i would rather him be laying on the floor drooling on himself than to have the possibility of another one on the way. i don't see how catholics do it. 6.. 7.. 20 kids.. one right after the other? what the fuck? maybe that's why the priests condone fucking little boys.. no worries there! god didn't put ovaries in a boy's ass!
but overall, i have started to come around to the whole kid thing. sure, i'm still not comfortable when he cries for no reason. i still do not envy the fact that my wife has to keep up with him all day. and i have this sinking feeling that i'm still not doing enough around the house.
having a kid is not what i pictured at all. hollywood is full of shit about babies.. but it's like me with sports. watching it on tv or on the internet is quite boring. but when you see it live, it seems to make more sense. i still don't really get it, but it's more real to me. i'll become a fan eventually, just not today.