Friday, December 18, 2009

Fuck Chirstmas!

i get this fucking way every year. never fails. normally i can just hide away in a cocoon of NIN, Tori and beer... but this year comes with obligations. obligations that drive me up the fucking wall.

kids are like marriage. it seems like a good idea and all, but it's not what the picture in the catalog looked like. and it doesn't help when you have a wife with baby issues. good and bad. but she's fucking smothering him (my observation) and now she's paying the price because he won't leave her alone. i wish she could get a job so 1. she could be away for a little bit and see what the rest of the world is up to. and 2. so he can learn that mommy won't always be around.

i have made it clear from the beginning that i am not a baby person. i abhor babies. yet, this one being my own has made it a bit easier. so i have tried. but watching him feels like a job to me. like a second job that i'm not getting paid for. and a job that i am totally not qualified for and have no prior training.

in hindsight i think i pushed the name Draven into his already predetermined name (before he was even conceived) so i would have some part of me, other than DNA, that i could connect with. good thing he wasn't an ugly baby.

and it's his first christmas and it's his first tooth and it's his first hard-on... like i really give a shit. like he really gives a shit. he's never gonna remember anyway. i think all these 'first' things are for parents and grandparents to exploit a growing child. do you really need pictures taken at the studio every month? does he need an electronic snail that sings the ABC's at 8 months old? he can't even make words yet. and the wife is trying to make lesson plans for the little bastard! lesson plans! what the fuck is next, homework?

but it's snowing outside. so i should be happy and gleeful and chipper and shit. nope. there is something in my brain that after Nov 1st, i begin to hate the world. it's like a fucking switch. "life's ok, it's good, every thing's kind, the world is nice.... bah! who flipped the fucking switch? fucking assholes. life sucks, thing's are horrible, everyone can blow me, the world can eat my dick!"

memories and nostalgia take place of rational thought. times that could have been, should have been, might have been. happy times in happy places. not to say i'm in a bad place by any means. just times of innocence and ignorance. of chances taken and not taken. and the dotted line on the mall map of my life that says 'you are here'. and my gaze is fixed, not to the path ahead, but to the locked doors behind me. why? i have no crowbar or chisel in my life arsenal. so why do i sit and stew and hate and despise this time of year?

i just wish there was a way to shut-off my brain. some way to stop thinking and just do the shit that 'normal' people do..

at least i can look forward to january 2nd and all this shit will slowly start to drift away.




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